To change or not to change

Like all the women in today’s world, I had the choice of whether to change my last name after marriage or not. I had told my husband before marriage that I would never change. Not because of any feminist view, simply because my name had been my identity since my childhood and I did not see a reason why my identity should change after marriage.

In ancient times, there was no choice. A woman did not have an identity of her own. She was supported by her father till she was married off and then the responsibility shifted to her husband.  So her identity at a given point of time, had to carry the name of the man in her life who supported her at that time.

That made sense in those times. But in today’s world a woman has her own unique identity which is known to her acquaintances by her name. Marriage adds on to her social circle, but there is no need to change her name to be identified in the new circle. Then, what sense does it make to change the last name to her husband’s last name in today’s world?

When I got married, I was already working in the US. I did not need a proof of marriage for visa purpose. The question of changing the last name never came up in the family circle as everyone considered it an unnecessary hassle. Some of my colleagues had asked me if I would change my long last name now that I was married. One of the reasons quoted was that when you make a flight or hotel reservation over phone you have to spell both the last names. Having one last name, you can save some hassle. Is that a big hassle really? Well, if my first name was simpler like Sita or Gita, probably it would have made sense. But I have to spell my 9 letter long first name anyway, then what’s the problem in spelling out 9 more letters for the last name?

So I stayed married for 5 years without ever considering to change my last name. Then what happened now – so is the question of many of my girl friends. Well, being married makes you life -partners, not exactly a family. You become a family the moment a child comes to the picture. So now with the baby coming, it made sense to me to have one common last name for the family. Again, not much for any practical purpose. Some told me that it would be difficult to get the kid’s passport if the mother and the kid do not have the same last name. But others said they did not have any issue with that. I am sure it is not required for the mother and the kid to have the same last name in any legal procedure in India. India being a patriarchal society however, it might be required for the father and the kid to have the same last name. My reason for me wanting to change my last name to my husband’s last name at this point of time is simply driven by my wish to have the same last name for my family.

So now we are the “Karimpana“s. A unique surname for Indian standard (9 letters again). If you want to know how we landed up on this one, you can read on: http://ajithkarimpana.wordpress.com/2009/01/17/namefate/

Not only I had the choice of changing my last name, I also had the choice of picking which last name I wanted my husband to retain . We decided on “Karimpana”, first because we both got used to it while in the US, and second we like the fact that nobody can guess the caste from the sound of it. In India, there is a general tendency of guessing the caste from the last name; and we did come across people for whom it matters and they asked indirectly what religion/caste we belong to. So we like this last name from which people will not be making judgement on us based on their prejudices. But we are also well aware that it does not sound that cool and our kid may not like it at all. Then we will give the kid the same choice I had – to change his or her last name whenever it makes sense to him/her !!

The alpha numeric identity

Today, after a very long time, I read an Assamese novel. The story by Anuradha Sharma, is about a woman’s experience in a university girls’ hostel and it took me down the memory lane as well.

I was thinking about how a number associated with your temporary stay in an academic campus becomes an integral part of your memory of that time.  The street address of my childhood home or my previous apartment does not come to mind when I remember the times spent there. But following two alpha-numeric numbers are etched in my mind along with the memories of two special phases in my life.

F212 – It was the room number in Indira Gandhi hall in IIT Kharagpur(KGP), which was my address for 1 & 1/2 years. I remember how I had to struggle to get this particular room allotted to myself so that I could be in the same floor with my two best friends in KGP. The room, next to the stairs near the bathroom, was not the best location in the building. But being strategically located at the junction of two wings, this room became the center of most gossip sessions. Some would call me the resident of “F212″ rather than calling “F212″ my room. The news paper guy would leave the papers subscribed by individual girls, in the foyer and my papers would be tagged “F212″. The mess-duty girl would check my preference in the menu everyday, and I would be identified in the list as “F212″. This number became my identity during my short but blissful stay in KGP.

E2079 - It was the apartment number in Chapin Apartment complex in SUNY Stony Brook, which was again my address for 1 & 1/2 years. Here again I had to go through some struggle to get allotted to this apartment where already three other Indian  girls were staying. I even lied to the campus residence office that I was a vegetarian and preferred an apartment with other vegetarian Indian girls. Eventually we became a gang of 5, living in the house. Chores like cooking and cleaning became fun group activities. How many complains we had to endure for high noise level, but we never stopped our out-of-tune singing sessions and mid-night laughing sessions. Slowly people started recognizing us as residents of “E2079″, rather than our names or departments. Surely this became our unique identity in the Stony Brook campus.

No matter how many years pass by, these two alpha-numeric numbers will always remain parts of my identity.

Namesake

Jhumpa Lahiri’s famous book “Namesake” touched upon something which was so natural to me that I never thought of it as an issue.  Everyone from north-east India has at least two names – one by which he or she is called in the family (the “pet name”) and the other by which he or she is known to the world (the “good name”).

Everyone from that region is so accustomed to the tradition that there has never been any confusion about a person’s identity based on the name. As a child when I was introduced to a guest visiting for the first time, my parents would decide which name to give out depending on their relation with the visitor. And depending on which name was used, I would understand whether the visitor is in the close family circle or just an acquaintance. So my father’s cousin would know me as “Monmi”, my pet name. But if he ever happens to call my office or contact any of my college friends, he would make sure to find out my good name and refer to me as “Aparajita”. Now I represent an extreme case of this multi-name system as I have more than one pet names in different family circles. I know exactly how to introduce myself to an extended family member depending on which circle he or she extends from.

There is no problem as long as the people in all your “family circles” is part of the same system. Problem occurs when you get someone outside the system to these circles. My husband was the first one in my life to raise this as an issue. He has been quite comfortable with various names that I have in different circles. But he had signed up for this with only one person – not everyone in the family!! Since he was considered a part of each of my family circles, everyone else was introduced to him with their pet names. This would work fine as long as he had to speak to them in person or over phone. But now there are emails and Orkut. (Yes, I forgot to mention that we prefer to keep our “good names” in the internet.)  So my poor husband now has to associate all the “good names” in his Orkut friends list to the respective “pet names” he has known !!

Initially I was not able to understand at all why he should be so bugged about it. But it dawned upon me when I compared this with my frustration over my husbands multiple sur-names – something from the naming system in south India.

Now we both realize that a complicated “namesake” is an Indian thing that we both share !!